I miss Carson so much lately. I feel so out of touch with him. All I want to do is just pick him up and give him a kiss. I know that I'm not his mother and I have no right to him or his presence but that doesn't make it any easier to live without getting to see him. The further it gets from the day of his birth, the less I feel like I'm his birthmother or that I have any connection to him.
I had this terrible dream the other night that I was in a pool and the moment I tried to touch Carson, he slipped under the water. I was trying desperately to bring him out of the water and support his neck, but he was just too slippery. He was drowning and I had to save him but I couldn't hold on to him. Finally his family picked him up out of the water and held him safe. Not much translation necessary for that dream. Even though it wasn't real, I woke up with the most gut-wrenching devastation, humiliation and rejection.
I haven't been able to shake off that horrible feeling since.
Sending big giant hugs your way! I've had dreams kind of like that. The one I remember most vividly was before Em was born but i dreamt I was in the hospital after giving birth and I couldn't find my baby anywhere. I wondered around a dark, abandoned hospital until i finally found Em in her adoptive mom's arms, surrounded by family. They looked up and stared at me and her mom handed Em to me who subsequently started screaming so I had to give her back. Less dramatic than yours but just saying I'm there with you dearie.
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