A fabulous way to end the year

Carson crawled yesterday!! I was practically dancing with excitement when I found out :) Usually Carson's growth milestones make me sad - like they're reminding me that I'm not there to watch him grow up. I think it's easier on me this time because I get to see him on Friday. I'm so excited to see him again, but also a little nervous. I'm dreading the day that his mother hands him to me and he cries for his mom instead of this stranger who is holding him. I can't help but hope that i might get away without this happening - praying that he'll recognize my heartbeat or smell, although I seriously doubt it.


Only 2 days left!!!

YAY!!!!

A Poem About Christmas

"A Birthmother's Christmas"

By Shonna K.

It was the night before Christmas

and all through the world

Birthmothers were praying

for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother

Was trying not to mourn

For this Christmas was the first

Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many

She will feel this great loss

For her child reaps the benefit,

She simply pays the cost

She takes out an old album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight

It is officially Christmas morn

The first that he's had

Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Nightmares

I miss Carson so much lately. I feel so out of touch with him. All I want to do is just pick him up and give him a kiss. I know that I'm not his mother and I have no right to him or his presence but that doesn't make it any easier to live without getting to see him.  The further it gets from the day of his birth, the less I feel like I'm his birthmother or that I have any connection to him.

I had this terrible dream the other night that I was in a pool and the moment I tried to touch Carson, he slipped under the water. I was trying desperately to bring him out of the water and support his neck, but he was just too slippery. He was drowning and I had to save him but I couldn't hold on to him. Finally his family  picked him up out of the water and held him safe. Not much translation necessary for that dream. Even though it wasn't real, I woke up with the most  gut-wrenching devastation, humiliation and rejection.

I haven't been able to shake off that horrible feeling since.

"Birthmother"

Birthmother sounds like a nice thing. A noble title. Misunderstood, maybe. A woman who loves her baby enough that she lets him go, or maybe a girl that just wanted to be girl for a little while longer.

Being a birthmother isn't just another thing that you are. Student, daughter, musician, cook, birthmother, soccer player. A birthmother is who you are. Birthmother is who I am. I will never be rid of this. Usually I know that I don't ever want to be rid of it, but when I'm weak; when I've given all my strength and yet life needs more from me, I wish that this had never happened. How dare I wish that my dearest Carson never happened? How dare I long for that moment of signing those papers back, so that I could be selfish and rip them up. How dare I wish that I could tear him from his wonderful family; his loving mother and able father. His sister who loves to give him his bottle and who can unfailingly make that little boy laugh and squeal with delight. In my weakest, weariest and darkest times, I wish all these things. I wish I was lucky enough to be able to take him for granted. How lucky I would be to be able to wish that  he would just quit crying so that I can get a moment of silence. Instead, I cherish every noise that passes his beautiful lips.

I live in limbo between motherhood and childhood. I fear that I'll never be able to escape this place. Weekly I plaster my walls with pictures of my son and me, him, and him with his lovely family. Within a few days I tear them down and put them carefully away, not being able to keep looking at his beautifully round cheeks that I can't touch; him playing with the toys that I did not buy for him.

Will I ever visit my son and not cry? When will he see my face and know that I am not a stranger? Am I a stranger?? Will I ever see a day that isn't defined by my self inflicted loss? Does this chubby beauty know that there is a woman out there that isn't mommy, but she thinks about him daily, prays for him nightly and longs for his presence constantly?

Why is it, God, that one stupid 21 year old girl was allowed to monumentally change my life? Why was this smart, careful girl so stupid as to let that happen? And above all, Lord, will I ever be okay again?

My prayer for my son is one that I have said for him every night of his life. For the 190th time: Lord, be with my son. Keep him happy, healthy, safe and strong. Be with his mother, give her joy, patience and grace. Be with his father, give him strength, kindness and grace. Be with his sister, give her a wild spark of life and the purest, uncontainable joy. Lord please be with me. Please, oh please,  never let me go.

Amen.

infant development

The Fifth Month:

• Signs of teething begin
• Holds head up when sitting
• Rolls from stomach to back
• When lying on back puts feet to mouth
• Voluntarily grasps and holds objects
• Plays with toes
• Takes objects directly to mouth
• Watches objects that are dropped
• Says "ah-goo" or similar vowel-consonant combinations
• Smiles at mirror image
• Gets upset if you take a toy away
• Can tell family and strangers apart
• Begins to discover parts of his/her body

I'm a stranger   :(

Spring was a time of fear,
Summer was a time of great pain,
Fall was a time of growth and acceptance,
Hopefully, Winter will be a time of life, acceptance and peace 
♥

Carson ♥

 T-2 days


and I am FREAKING OUT!!!

Today is kind of a sad day. I took down the pictures of Carson that were all over my walls. I think about him so often, and that almost always brings with it a great deal of pain. Having pictures on the wall reminded me of him even more. I fell asleep thinking of him, and he was the first thing I saw when I woke up. It feels like a betrayal to him to try to think of him a little less. I don't ever want to stop thinking about him. I just want to get through life a little easier. Am I a bad mother for that? My head says 'of course not' but my heart feels like I am selfish, cowardly and weak.

Who knows - maybe I'll put them back up tomorrow. Maybe I'll never put them back up. But a day will not come to pass that I haven't thought of him.

"A part of you has grown in me, together forever we shall be, never apart maybe in distance but not in heart."

you would think that every day that passes would bring with it a bit of peace and some perspective.

every day that goes by, my grief gets stronger. its like a living creature that's gaining strength with time. I'm its only prey and nobody can rescue me from this monster.

sometimes i don't know if life will ever be okay again.

His name is

Carson Michael

and i get to meet him on tuesday :)

Happy one month birthday, baby that I do not know.

I think of you every day and pray for you every night ♥