A fabulous way to end the year

Carson crawled yesterday!! I was practically dancing with excitement when I found out :) Usually Carson's growth milestones make me sad - like they're reminding me that I'm not there to watch him grow up. I think it's easier on me this time because I get to see him on Friday. I'm so excited to see him again, but also a little nervous. I'm dreading the day that his mother hands him to me and he cries for his mom instead of this stranger who is holding him. I can't help but hope that i might get away without this happening - praying that he'll recognize my heartbeat or smell, although I seriously doubt it.


Only 2 days left!!!

YAY!!!!

A Poem About Christmas

"A Birthmother's Christmas"

By Shonna K.

It was the night before Christmas

and all through the world

Birthmothers were praying

for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother

Was trying not to mourn

For this Christmas was the first

Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many

She will feel this great loss

For her child reaps the benefit,

She simply pays the cost

She takes out an old album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight

It is officially Christmas morn

The first that he's had

Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Nightmares

I miss Carson so much lately. I feel so out of touch with him. All I want to do is just pick him up and give him a kiss. I know that I'm not his mother and I have no right to him or his presence but that doesn't make it any easier to live without getting to see him.  The further it gets from the day of his birth, the less I feel like I'm his birthmother or that I have any connection to him.

I had this terrible dream the other night that I was in a pool and the moment I tried to touch Carson, he slipped under the water. I was trying desperately to bring him out of the water and support his neck, but he was just too slippery. He was drowning and I had to save him but I couldn't hold on to him. Finally his family  picked him up out of the water and held him safe. Not much translation necessary for that dream. Even though it wasn't real, I woke up with the most  gut-wrenching devastation, humiliation and rejection.

I haven't been able to shake off that horrible feeling since.