Today is kind of a sad day. I took down the pictures of Carson that were all over my walls. I think about him so often, and that almost always brings with it a great deal of pain. Having pictures on the wall reminded me of him even more. I fell asleep thinking of him, and he was the first thing I saw when I woke up. It feels like a betrayal to him to try to think of him a little less. I don't ever want to stop thinking about him. I just want to get through life a little easier. Am I a bad mother for that? My head says 'of course not' but my heart feels like I am selfish, cowardly and weak.

Who knows - maybe I'll put them back up tomorrow. Maybe I'll never put them back up. But a day will not come to pass that I haven't thought of him.